“When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it’s bottomless.”
I learned boundaries. I learned what I wasn’t allowed to talk about outside of the group. I learned how far I could go before I faced disapproval. I also learned that this boundary was unpredictable.
Because it was unpredictable, I honed the ability to sense when it seemed safe to do something, and when I couldn’t, based on the emotions of those around me. It kept me safe for the most part. And, I learned to always be on guard around certain people.
As a result of some of these experiences, I was reluctant to let people into my inner world for fear that I would get hurt.
I used this ability to read others throughout my life, especially in my post graduation & career. I could walk into a room and read the mood of the group or individual to ensure that I understood how far I could go.
For a few people in my life, these boundaries were appropriate. But I used them almost all the time.
Setting these boundaries also cost me.
It cost me because I didn’t trust others.
It cost me because I learned not to expect things from others or I would end up disappointed.
It cost me because I thought I needed to only rely on and trust myself.
What I saw in other people was really a reflection of my own lack of trust in myself.
All the time that I held firm boundaries, I thought they were about respecting myself. But, they were really about fear.
I was afraid of letting others in. I was afraid of letting myself in. And, I discovered that I was main person who didn’t treat myself with respect. This was a difficult lesson.
I didn’t let others take advantage of me. I didn’t let others see me when I was vulnerable because they would get the upper hand. I didn’t let others behave inappropriately around me.
What I didn’t realize was that I not only kept out those whom I really couldn’t trust, but also those people in my life that truly loved me and who I could trust.
I began to question even more than I had before, what I thought I knew about love, especially unconditional love.
I began to question what my values and beliefs were.
And I learned that it was because I had taken all the ways I had been in disrespected relationship and turned them into negative beliefs about myself and about all relationships.
I had internalized the treatment I received and decided that I must have deserved that treatment because I wasn’t good enough. So I needed to perform better to earn respect. And, this was what all of us needed to do. Respect and belief in oneself in order to get love and approval.
My experience with different people taught me something powerful about love:
They taught me that respect and love for oneself comes from honoring your own voice, desires, passions, and needs.
They taught me that respect and love for others is about pausing, listening, and not making assumptions about them.
They taught me that respect and love for others doesn’t come just because someone mouths the words please, thank you, or I’m sorry.
They taught me that respect and love is about opening your heart and responding in a genuine and soulful way.
We need to love ourselves as much as we love others.
